The Show Must Go On (Eng Version)
by MaryAnnett
Summary: Three times in her life, Kalinda loses control over her feelings. (Spoiler : Reactional fic to the end of season 6)


The show must go on

Summary : Three times in her life, Kalinda loses control over her feelings. (Spoiler : Reactional fic to the end of season 6)

Disclaimer : All the characters belong to CBS

Note : This fanfiction is the english version of the original french one that I wrote a month ago. It's an M rated fic implying sex between women.

Special thanks : It would not have been possible to write, improve, and finally post this fic online without the help and patience of the magical **JoRoxx**. My dear Jo, knows that my desire to translate my fics was born while reading the two reviews you left me. Again (and again, and again) thank you !

oOo

As far back as she can tell, she can't remember having been otherwise. Even as a child. Attachment is the first step to domestication.

It's probably something she inherits from her father, who tells her being a woman is not a fatality, she will learn how to turn it into a strength, she'll be stronger than every man she'll meet in her life. She just needs to repeat it in her head until she's completely sure she believes it. She's approximately 6 and it's the last time she sees her father. The day after, as usual, he'll go to work early. But he will never come back.

It's probably something she learns from her mother who poses as everything she doesn't want to become : a mother, not a woman anymore. Fully devoted to her kids and slowly killing herself with her two jobs and nothing left of a life. She can only remember that her mother's love was a burden rather than a benediction. First, the suffocation of too much affection, and then, the heavy weight of this love's debt. All her childhood, she suffers from the guilt of dreaming for another life. Where she could be free, unchained, debt free. Where she could just be herself.

She leaves this life the day she turns 18. Not without regrets, because she knows her sisters will tell their mother, to comfort her, that she has always been different from them. Just like dad who left them, without even a note. She writes a letter to her mother a year later. To tell her she didn't run-away. To explain she just wanted a bigger life. After that, she feels free, released from what seemed like steel ropes to her. Although, the night after she sends the letter, she sleeps with a girl for the very first time. Because it's more than just a symbol now : she can be Herself.

When it comes to sex too, she feels free. She built her own kind of sexuality in her head. Without borders, colors, limits. There's a long time before she practices. She wants to know her body and it's secrets all by herself before trying with someone. Then, the first time she has sex, at 15 with an older, and yet not so experimented boy, she is disappointed. She first thinks knowing her own body l is an obstacle to intimacy with strangers. But she experiments with other boys. Sometimes of her age, sometimes older, sometimes so old they could be her father. And finally she changes her mind about sex with strangers and realizes that sexual harmony is possible, even with complete stangers. She merely needs to choose wisely. Despite the fact that she never considers sex as exclusively heterosexual, it takes time before she tries with a girl. Because it makes her nervous, and because she doesn't want to be disappointed this time. Even today, she can't properly define her sexuality. Simply because she thinks she's flexible, and she may want a woman, or a man, or both at the same time, or one for 10 minutes and then the other one for the rest of the night. And it doesn't feel like there's the slightest ethical problem at all.  
But, she doesn't consider herself as insensitive. Of course she can feel, she can be strongly affected by someone's gaze or touch or voice. But she refuses exclusiveness, being someone's property. She doesn't let herself be held, emotionally chained up

Nevertheless, three times in her life she loses control over her feelings :

The first time, it's with Nick. At this time, her name is still Leela, she is just 20. When she looks back at this part of her story, she doesn't blame herself, she blames her youth and the craziness coming with it. Nick is older, handsome, he is a bad boy and a good talker. And above all, he gives her the first memorable orgasm of her life. Actually, he makes her come every single time. Sometimes with his fingers only. So easily it blows her mind. She stays with him just enough to make her feel safe. Just enough to call this relationship a _serious_ one. Just enough for him to fall in love and ask her to marry him. And she is crazy enough to say yes, even if she thinks no. But she also thinks that she's young and strong and still free to leave whenever she wants. And she realizes she's completely wrong the very day of their wedding, when Nick says in his vows that he will make her an honest woman. When she hears that, she knows she's in trouble and very angry at herself. But it's too late, she's trapped, chained up again. Fortunately, Nick gives her a chance to escape less than 6 month after their wedding, when he is arrested in a drug business affair. In which, of course, he incriminates her. She just has the time to disappear. With a bitter aftertaste of genetics in her throat.

oOo

The second time her feelings take the lead, it's because of Cary. She doesn't have the excuse of her young age and her inexperience anymore. If she is completely honest with herself, she can't say she doesn't see it coming either. During 5 years, she subtly turns him away from his goal. Although, the first time she sees him, she puts him in the category of guys with whom she wants to play and fuck with. The kind of guys, too nice, too immaculate and well educated, that make her want to take the bad boy inside out. But the very first time he talks to her, she understands it would be dangerous. Because Cary really is a good person, appealing, pure, true... and it seems that he could fall in love with her if she smiles at him too often… So she holds him off for a while, using subtle pleas such as « We are working together » and « trust me, I'm not someone for you ». But here's the thing : she is so self confident, she trusts her ability to not get emotionally involved, that she doesn't see the strong friendship between them, growing slowly, insidiously. And when she figures itout, it's already too late because she needs him in her life. It's completely new to her, scary, and very difficult to handle. And as if it wasn't enough, she finally let the desire win the battle and she sleeps with him. Clearly, she is not disappointed. Cary is exactly where she wants him to be : At the opposite of the cute and nice and polite young man he is. During sex, he is rough, he doesn't care if his nails leave bruises on her hips, and actually, it turns him on to see the marks he has left the night before. He likes to bite this particular spot on her neck, and to tease to a point of no return, when she's too excited to say anything but « please » and « fuck ». And above all, he, too, makes her come every single time. It doesn't matter the position or the degree of expectation, it literally works all the time, and often more than once.

Oddly, he doesn't ask her for more. At last for a few months. Because she waits until it's too late, she doesn't end this when she obviously should. She tries to persuade herself that she has control, that it's nothing but sex with a friend… But there is this first argument concerning Kalinda's non exclusiveness. And a few days later, the journey through hell really starts when she can't help but save Cary, manipulating evidences to prevent him from going to jail for 15 years. She is confused, but not because she regrets what she just did. Because she can't recognize herself. She's afraid, and once again, a prisoner. She must leave, as soon as possible…

She visits Cary one last time. She does her best to explain, more talkative than ever. She feels like she owes him this last talk. She lets him cry, lets him undress her with trembling hands and wet eyes. She lets him say that he is sorry, that he wants to help. But she's firm and she makes him stop talking by kissing him deep. And she lets him fuck her for the last time. Except that this time, he makes love to her with so much emotions and sweet words that she has to hold her breath so as not to cry. When she leaves his apartment, she is shivering with emotions. But she is determined to start all over again. For freedom, even if it means loneliness.

oOo

Except there is this third time where her feelings lose her.

This third compared to whom Nick and Cary are nothing. And there is this blind fear melted with painful desire. And tonight, while she should flee as far as possible from this person, she finally finds the courage to knock at her door. Reasonably, she already should have thrown her sim card in a public trash can, taken some clothes and gone as far as possible. Like a few years ago. Like her father did when she was 6…

But she doesn't go. She tells herself that if she doesn't talk to her now, she'll never find the occasion to be honest with her. She knows her leaving will be tougher. But she doesn't really care. And if she's hurt deep in her heart and soul, it doesn't matter : Anyway, tomorrow, or next week, she'll be someone else. She'll have time to heal. But if she's completely honest with herself, she knows she won't heal. Ever.

She is shuddering violently inside when she knocks at the door. It's near midnight and it has been more than 6 months since they last saw each other. And more than a year that they haven't share anything except for work. She is about to knock again when the doors open on a sleepy Alicia. Her eyes are sleepy and round with confusion at the same time.

-Kalinda ? What are you doing here ?

Kalinda opens her mouth to talk but no word escapes, not even a breath. Instead, her lower lip starts trembling. Alicia grabs her wrist and pulls her inside, half gently, half sharply. She mutters :

-Come here.

She brings her close, enfolds her in her night robe and closes her arms around Kalinda's back. Then she just holds her, silently, while Kalinda looks for her words / speech, her breath, a meaning for all of this…

Finally, Alicia lowers her embrace and, with no word exchanged, guides Kalinda to her bedroom. She makes her sit at the edge of the bed and says gently, seeking her gaze :

-I'm going to make a coffee. Wait for me here, Grace is asleep in her room.

She leaves the room silently, and comes back 5 minutes later with two steaming mugs. She holds one out to Kalinda who hasn't moved. Alicia turns her bedside lamp on, closes the door and sits next to Kalinda. She takes a sip of her coffee and waits. For long minutes they are completely silent, they don't look at each other, they don't even move. Then Alicia breaks the silence and says very soflty, as if she was talking to a small child :

-Why don't you tell me ?

Kalinda takes the time to drink her coffee, deeply breathes, then she starts speaking :

\- I made a big mistake…

She doesn't stop speaking. She can't. She must tell everything. Alicia is secretly under the spell of Kalinda's words. First, because she has never heard her talk so much. And because she has never seen her so vulnerable, miserable, desperate. Also because she came to her place, to talk to _her_ , even after all the mess between them. She just listens, shivering at the thought of how hard it's going to be to help her come through this. She almost jumps when Kalinda says :

-I came because I needed to see you. But I know I'm not defendable, I don't even want to give it a try Alicia. Too many people involved, too much to lose… I think it's time for me to disappear… But… I couldn't leave without seeing you. I owe you this… And I need to confess something else.

At this stage of Kalinda's monologue, Alicia feels how painful the words are. How Kalinda struggles not to get up and run away from what she has to say. Alicia is admiring her, because she already has her eyes filled with tears. She already suffers from Kalinda's decision, because she knows she won't be able to retain her. Like she hasn't been able to prevent this situation. And she knows Kalinda's right : To stand for someone who faked evidences is a wasted effort. She also is resigned because once in her life, she would have want to be able to escape from her miserable life to start a new one.

-I came here because…The truth is…From the very first day we talked… I mean… It has been six years that I'm fending off this talk. Alicia, I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I was born this way. But not talking to you prevents me from leaving now… God it's hard…

She turns her face to Alicia whose cheeks are wet with tears. She can't say it, and yet she has to. She puts down her cup, grabs both of Alicia wrists in her hands, and looks at her.

-It's hard to say because I don't know how to explain…You are…Different. From everything I've lived before, from every single person I've met. You're the only one with this importance in my life. I mean… When you discovered what I did with your husband, I thought I couldn't live again, withoutyou as a friend. And it's not how I am. I don't… need people in my life… Or, I didn't. And tonight I'm here while I should be far away from Chicago.

It's hard for Alicia not to start sobbing. She says with a broken voice

-You're telling me in the same sentence that you love me and are leaving me… ?

She is so right it hurts. Kalinda doesn't find the courage to say yes. She just leans forward and laysher lips on Alicia's. She can feel Alicia's mouth shudder, slightly. Then she presses her kiss a little deeper. And it works because Alicia parts her lips, just enough to let a soft breath of satisfaction escape.

Kalinda's tongue slips gently between Alicia's lips. She never kissed like that before, with so much attention, and so much tension. Alicia frees her hands and puts them on Kalinda's shoulders. Then she brings her closer, gently.

They kiss. First with softness, and gradually more deeply, less gently. Alicia's lips are demanding, as if they knew that this first time also was the last. Kalinda's kisses are alternately wheedling, combative, loving, desperate. Their bodies are closer and their arms hook on to one another. When they can't breathe anymore, they separate unwillingly. They look at each other intently. Kalinda doesn't know if she should stop, stand up and leave. She has the feeling that leaving now would mean dying.

Alicia's fingers close on the zipper of Kalinda's leather jacket, and she opens it slowly. With no help, no movement from Kalinda, she removes it from her. And then she just stares at the dress Kalinda is wearing, at it's zipper, so close to her fingers. At what's under the dress too. She perfectly knows that if she removes the dress, first she'll see Kalinda almost naked. She won't resist the need to touch her, to make love to her. And she will suffer as never before when Kalinda leaves. The younger woman seems to read her thoughts, because she takes Alicia's left hand, puts it on the zipper of her dress and whispers with an imporing tone on her voice :

-Please…

Alicia opens the dress and helps Kalinda taking it off. She stands still before her, only wearing a matching pair of black underwear, dark stockings and leather boots. Alicia moans in a whisper. She closes her eyes and lets her hand touch the soft skin of Kalinda's inner thigh for the first time. She moans again, a little louder, and she is echoed by Kalinda… Opening her eyes, she says in a breath :

-Undress me.

Kalinda does what she's been asked. She removes the silk pajamas with her hands, while her simple gaze on Alicia's body makes her shiver. Then she removes her own shoes, her bra and stockings, so they can be equal…

They finally lie down on the unmade bed. Alicia's soft scent is on every square inch of the sheets. Kalinda bites her lower lip violently to prevent a moan from escaping her lips. Without success. They look at each other as if it was the first time they could really see. Alicia's eyes are full of tears. Kalinda is close to this state too. There is as much tension as desire. Kalinda is afraid this could stop anytime. She buried her conscience somewhere under her clothes on the floor, but Alicia looks aware enough for both of them. She says :

-Kalinda… I want you…

Then she decides to stop worrying. Just for an hour, just for this night. What is to come tomorrow, she will think about it later. She bends over Alicia. She put her lips at the base of her neck, and she lets her tongue and her small, meticulous fingers awake the magic. She is good at that, but she's not used to be so turned on herself, so quickly. After less than five minutes caressing this pale and soft body, she's excited beyond the explanable. It's both pleasant and terribly scary to lose control so easily.

Her lips travel from Alicia's neck to her chest. She takes a dark pink nipple in her mouth and teases it with her tongue and teeth. With her right hand, she gently strokes the other one. Alicia's whole body archs and she says Kalinda's name in a loud moan. Several times. Until Kalinda shakes with desire. Until she is so excited and wet that she could be penetrated with three fingers. With no other prep. As she can no longer bear it, she neglects the now hard nipples and slips her body between Alicia's opened legs. She strokes her inner thighs long enough to force Alicia into burying her face in a pillow to prevent her from screaming. She slowly takes her panties away and closes her mouth to Alicia's sex. When she puts her lips and tongue on it for the first time, she madly wants to masturbate because she's absolutely sure she could come in less than ten seconds. Alicia whimpers with disinhibition, swears a little, but mostly, she says Kalinda's name. 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times. Kalinda can't stop licking, sucking, biting. She wants to taste everything, to drink until there's nothing left. Alicia finally says with a hoarse voice

-I need to feel you inside… Please.

Kalinda is completely ok with that. She slides two fingers in Alicia's hot, wet, offered sex. She starts moving them very slowly. Then faster. And even faster. After a few minutes, Alicia comes, jointly invoking God and the name of her Lover.

Still shaking, she grabs Kalinda by her shoulders to pull her up. She is crying. Kalinda doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't even want to see her. Because if she starts crying now, she will never stop.

Alicia's body is waved with light spasms for a while. Then, before it completely ends, she directs her attention on Kalinda, who is lying all against her. She caresses the golden skin with her eyes, her fingers, her tongue. She tastes and licks every little parcell. She covers her with soft kisses, murmurs « You are so beautiful » with emotions and thrills in her voice. Kalinda is excited to an unimaginable point, and completely lost at the same time. Because she has never been so attracted to someone, and because she has never been so emotionally close to Love. She closes her eyes, cries inside for a second, and lets the pleasure possess her senses. She lets Alicia kiss her hopelessly while she fucks her with the three fingers she dreamt about a minute ago. She lets long moans escape her lips, with every hip thrust that brings her closer to Alicia's fingers. She loves feeling her nails, even if it hurts. She's about to come when Alicia stops. Kalinda whimpers with frustration, opens her eyes and meets Alicia's. She tells her :

-If you come now, then you'll leave.

Kalinda almost winces. She muffles a sob and says bravely :

-Alicia… Please…

She brings her against her, holds her firmly and murmurs her name. She promises she will stay a little longer. Alicia takes her fingers out and says with a strangled voice :

-I can't…A little longer is not enough…

Yet she puts her fingers back into Kalinda, and she restarts where she'd stopped a minute before. Kalinda's velvet skin shivers, her body archs and she comes like she never came before. Almost violently, her eyes lost in Alicia's, murmuring her name. Alicia bonds her body against hers, buries her head in Kalinda's neck and implores softly :

-Don't go… Don't go… I beg you, don't leave me.

She doesn't notice her fingers are still moving inside Kalinda's body, rhythmed by her pleas. Kalinda can feel another orgasm growing. She can feel tears on her cheeks. She gently fends Alicia off by saying

-Alicia…Please make me come one more time…With your mouth.

Actually, it's the most pleasant way she finds to make her stop talking. Alicia leans above Kalinda's opened legs. She awkwardly puts a kiss on Kalinda's clit. Her reaction is immediate, her whole body tightens as she swears incoherently. Alicia experiments, learns from shivering muscles and inarticulate moans. Kalinda comes again, comes stronger and longer, her fingers tangled in Alicia's hair.

They stay here for a while. Kalinda feels Alicia's tears against her thigh and it's too much for her to handle. She lets hers flow. She vaguely knows that the quicker she leaves the easier it will be. But honestly she can't, she's trapped, bound, tied in the best possible way.

Alicia ascends and takes Kalinda against her. She starts again :

-Please don't go…

So many times that Kalinda really thinks about staying. It sounds so easy in Alicia's voice…

Finally, Alicia falls asleep. Kalinda stays still against her, intoxicating herself with her perfume, the softness of her skin. And when she's absolutely sure that Alicia is sleeping deeply, she gets up, dresses fast and leaves the bedroom. Her whole body is shaking, battered. Because she's hurt and because she hurt Alicia. She's already at the front door when she changes her mind. She takes the time to write a short note she can't even read because of the tears in her eyes. She leaves it on the counter, turns away and almost runs out of the apartment.

Once in her car, she completely lets herself go. She cries for hours. When she takes some clothes in her apartment. When she cuts her sim card and burns some important documents she doesn't want to be found. When she takes back her gun and the false canadian passport she kept hidden in the hole behind the mirror of her bedroom until now. When she empties her bank account and sends the money to a general delivery. When she closes the door of her apartment for the very last time. When she leaves Chicago. When she doesn't look back to see the sunrise upon the bay.

A few hours later, Alicia wakes up. She sees the empty space in her bed. She understands that Kalinda is gone, despite her attempt to keep her. She understands that she has been loved and left in just one night.

She can't just get up and pretend it's ok. Instead, she buries her face in the pillow where Kalinda had her head a few hours ago, and she cries.

At 10 a.m, Grace enters her mother's bedroom, sits at the edge of the bed and says softly, caressing her mother's hair :

-Mom ? There was a note for you on the kitchen's counter.

She lets the note in the bed and leaves the bedroom, carefully closing the door.

Alicia cries for a couple of hours before finding the courage to read the note. It's brief. Actually, it's what looks like an address in Canada, and a few words :

 _Tell no one. K._


End file.
